Humor or Not?

Have you ever said or written something that is funny? Not just mediocre funny, I mean laugh out loud kind of humor? Like...you want to send it in to Jay Leno but you think people would treat you like a pariah when they lose money on their Eli and Lilly stock because you, single-handedly, put prozac out of business. Because the whole world is laughing FUNNY???

And so you run the words over and over in your head, as you patiently await the uncontrollable giddiness that is certain to occur as soon as your audience reaches the particular juicy morsel of hilarity.

And just when you are sure they have gotten it (dun dun dun). Nothing but Heart breaking silence. And so in your complete astonishment you begin to speak. Very quickly I might add. Sure they somehow missed the point. Explaining re-explaining. And yet the blank stare prevails, perhaps a small courtesy "yeah, yeah, I get it, It was funny already". And you just want to keep going with the explaining so they can fully understand. And then mid speed-talking sentence they awkwardly leave the room?

Has that ever happened to you??? Yeah me neither, I just wondering.

A Day With My Dad.

So I feel particularly impelled to blog about a specific tree. Of which I have nostalgic ties (ok not in real life but just for the sake of the blog).

As it turns out this morning, I was helping my mom and dad weed their yard. As my dad and I were weeding a small kidney bean shaped peice of the lawn where, may I add, two Aspen trees reside we kept finding walnuts. My dad kept exclaiming how he did not know these Aspens produced walnuts. And in return comment, I said that we should call The National Geographic immediately.

However one of the aspens is sadly dying, slowly fading away. I asked my dad if perhaps the japanese beetle had gotten to this tree and infested it with illness. He proceeded to tell me that besides developing an identity crisis it had a congenital disease, that it was surely missing chromosomes, and had been sick since conception.

Now we will not, in this blog go into the conception of a tree, but I am sure you can all imagine.

By the end of the weeding interlude the tree was more dead than ever due to my inadvertant digging up of it's roots. And my dad consistently chopping at them with a shovel.

So, we would like to share a moment of silence for the tree, who gave it's life to provide us with ten summers of (minimal) shade, and stoically bore us walnuts.

Johnny Cochran I need you....

Again from the archives...


The Jury has been in the deliberation room for hours. I can hardly stand the pressure... Could someone get me some crayons, a wheelchair, some pajamas? The trial relentlessly playing itself over and over in my otherwise barren head. And it goes something like this..

Kelli, is it true or not true that you put the flip flop's (that's what kind of shoes they were, make a mental note.) on your daughter Gettie's feet at approximately ten A.M Tuesday morning.

"yes it is true"

And is it also true that she cried immediately afterward followed by bouts of sporatic crying throughout the day.

"But only because I decided for once and for all that she absolutely HAD to learn to wear her shoes!"

So you never once over the course of the day removed her shoes?

"no sir"

Is it also true that you threatened to put her into time out if she proceeded to remove her own shoes?
Objection.... Overruled.

"UM... I plead the fifth."

So Kelli did you or did you not, at the end of the day look down, only to realize that her flip flops with elastic holding them around her ankles, toe seperaters spreading all the way across the shoe to the other side, were on the WRONG FEET???
Wait for it...

The Jury is out.... I AM A LOSER!!!

Confessions of a Music loving drama queen.

From the archives.

First of all we must give props to Meredith for bringing it back. And by "it" I mean the phrase which has been appropriately exhumed from it's 1992 grave "Sexy Hot". For all of you who don't know (you know who you are, and I am ashamed) Meredith is the Purell eating, Michael flashing, uh-hum mini van driving, alchoholic on The Office. And I must clarify The Office knows not the meaning of redundancy on this blog-site.
That being said we move on.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I mean are you even kidding me? History in the making right here. Yep, you guessed it, we are talking about Ozzy. And not just only Ozzy but the post-bat head biting, Black Sabbath singing, The Osbournes (a series), Four Wheeling accident, Over medicated, Ozzy. Which is a past that I am sure played a role in this truly confectionary musical genius which is Black Rain.
It has been a long road but finally we get rid of all of the bells and whistles and go back, for a moment to the madman we all know and love. If you have a second I highly recommend Lay Your World On Me. You can click on it in my music playlist (on my profile, it is pink) or download it on Itunes for a mere $.99. Either way it is sure to impress.
So cheers to Ozzy who rates (I never thought I would say it, but none the less) Sexy Hot.

Ozzy P.S.

For one reason or another after I ranted of the beloved Ozzy, my playlist had an error. So although I still love the song Lay Your World On Me every bit as much as I once did, I added another Ozzy song to quench your blood lusting ozzy need. Enjoy.

Lemon-y chicken with a side of pink eye.

While perusing on allrecipes.com I found several lemon chicken recipes. I always read the comments and while it surely is a waste of time I am comfortable with it. I narrowed it down to a few and was looking for someone to tell me they were stellar. And I came upon this "special review".

Dec. 11, 2007
I'll never make this again. Two weeks ago my husbund called me at home to say he invited his boss to our house for supper that night. I franicked. I just picked my dauther up from school because she had pinkeye and to make matters worst, it was two days before my husbunds payday and we were out of meat with no money to by none either. I dug through the deep freeze and found some chicken and I checked the internet for a recipie. I was in the mood for tangy but I didn't want to fuss because I had to take my dauther to rite aids to pick up her subscription. This recipie sounded good to me and I just figured everyone else on here just gave it a bad rate because they messed it up. I dumped all the ingerdents in the crockpot and said a little prayer. At Rite aids, I picked up a box of white wine. When we came home, it smelled lemon-y and garlic-y. I boiled some minute rice and eggerly waited for my husbund and his boss to come home. When they came home, I had my dauther poor them some white wine. My husbund said she shouldnt because her eye was swolled up but I she washed her hands. After we all prayed, I started to ladle to Slow Cooker Garlic Chicken I over the minute rice I could tell it was going to be a disaster. My husbunds boss "Jeff" tried to hide his discust at overburdensome fragrants. My husbund wasn't speaking to me because he was mad about the wine thing. I could tell he was real mad. "Jeff" ate half and then exused himself for a call and said he had to leave.

Needless to say I refrained from making any chicken at all. "Get in the car kids, it's pizza tonight!"

I understand that this is sending me with a one way ticket to "the bad place" but what can I say. I took one for the team. Enjoy...

"Do you know who I really feel sorry for?"

Arab Americans who REALLY want to get into crop dusting....


To my good friend Brian Regan. Thank you for the laughs.

Easter?!?

This morning after Jeff graciously took Stevie to school and breakfast had been fed to the Getto. I languorously lingered in bed while Gettie colored in her room. AND... for all of you who know Gettie you can imagine how long that lasted. For any of you who may not know Gettie. "Not long".

So I am thinking to myself "here she comes, my peace is over". But it turns out she did not want to disturb my peace at all she just wanted to excitedly tell me that she had found a piece of candy. Maybe you can imagine that as this excitement and animation was coming from a girl who ate six benadryl in one night I became suspicious. Becoming suddenly alert I say to Gettie "are you sure it is candy"? As she is walking back to her room she says simply "I'm pretty sure mom (like I am an imbecile) the bunny left it for me.

I think to also add that the first actual cold day we have had this fall immediately had Gettie asking if it was "costume day". This is one girl who fiercely loves her holidays!